你并不帅
然而待在你身边总是让我十分安心
因为你总是帮我设想一切
说你宠我一点儿也不为过
因为只要在你面前撒娇
就可以笑着看你答应我的要求

你知道我几时开始喜欢你的吗
应该是在电梯里你抓着我的手的那一刻吧
然后就是吃饭时我要求你载一个朋友回家
你说没问题只要我吃多点
再来就是聚会拍照完后我要拿我的包包和围巾时
却发现你已经帮我放出来方便我拿了
我以前对周围的亲戚朋友说你绝对不是我那杯茶
没想到年纪大了
心境也变了

在健身房跑着步在街上走着路
回想起你对我的好
就会不由自主地嘴角上扬
工作很累时
回想起你跟我说加油加油
就会精力充沛

不晓得你明不明白
我这种对一般朋友的事从不怎么上心的人
真的很在意你
不希望你整天空虚得用派对狂欢去麻醉自己
人生真的还有很多有意义的事可以做
不是只有吃喝玩乐
你可以想想同年龄层的人在做什么
而你却还在做什么
我真心希望你能长进
然而我的苦心你看得到吗

你愿意为了我改变吗？

人真的很怪

我以为如今的我变得这么漂亮自信
择偶条件就会更严谨
对于样貌的要求就会更高

但原来不是这样的
我更介意的是对方是不是真的有把我放在心上
过去一直犯贱地爱上一些不爱自己的人
结果一而再再而三地将自己搞到伤痕累累
现在也许老了
心脏没法再负荷太多的伤痛

所以你对我的体贴
我是感受到的
那些小细节我都记在心里
只是我一直在反复思量
我是否有能力影响你变得有上进心
我不要一个一直依靠你家人的你
我不要一个一遇到难关就借酒消愁的你
我要一个值得我钦佩仰慕的你

你愿意为了我改变吗？

柳暗花明又一村

I still feel surreal
that you accepted my FB friend request.

我近来在抱怨事事不顺心

五天前Audit成绩公布了

结果我只score 71

没有拿到H1确实让我非常失望

Regardless, 我还是send了一封感谢的email给他

结果,没想到他隔天早上就回复我了

看到这里我的心接近碎了.他说的非常makes sense, but他却没有offer go-dutch的option : ( 然而不死心的我还是继续问他:

最后他只给了我他LinkedIn的contact, 完全没有suggest我在Facebook add他 :'(

够力沮丧
干嘛这么绝情啊
本来已经绝望了的
昨天看到他viewed我的LinkedIn Profile
非常兴奋
然后看到他的Profile上写着他在找着volunteering opportunities
很想recommend一些给他
可是又怕他嫌我多事

今天早上我左思右想
觉得其实自己已经nothing to loss了
可能往后都不会再见到他了
所以就鼓起勇气在Facebook add他
谁知道
他竟然竟然accept我的Friend Request!!!!!!
我之前是真的没有抱有一丝希望说他会accept啊
看了一下他的Friend list
我们只有一个mutual friend
除此之外完全没有一个我认识的同届学生
看来他只接受他认识的人和他想要接受的人
因为我绝对不相信我是他几百个学生里唯一一个sent他friend request的人

下一步要做什么呢?
呵呵我也不清楚
邀他来我的毕业典礼跟我合照?
会不会太唐突叻

I had my final Auditing tutorial

That certainly created everlasting memory.

He looked exceptionally charming on that day.
Fred Perry grey long sleeve check shirt with a pair of black pants instead of his usual casual outfits.

So the tutorial began.
Basically I knew every answer of his question since I spent the whole day before doing the extra readings and completing the tutorial exercise.
Yes that's how much I would be willing to go beyond my standard effort just to impress him.
When he asked if anyone did the tutorial exercises, I nodded then he quickly asked me to answer the first question.
I must admit that what I have done was brilliant because I went a little further than what lecture slides  stated.
While he was impressed, he wanted to check if other students did the preparation work therefore he asked everyone else if they at least looked at the questions.
(Thankfully) No one else had a chance looked at it so he came back to me and there goes our one-to-one. Almost all of my answers were spot-on!
What made me proud of myself was I wasn't stammering at all and was even dare to say he got me wrong :-D
It went so well, and the eye contact simply drove me over the moon!

But I felt blue when he started to wrap up the tutorial.
We will definitely meet again in his consultation but I could possibly stuff it up due to nervousness.
I was thinking whether we can hang out if I score a H1 in Auditing (FYI so far there is only one H1 in my undergraduate).
In fact the tutor-student status no longer bothers me afterall I'm graduating soon, it's the cultural and language difference as well as working background that I'm really care about.
I'm not sure whether I will be too shy to speak if we do hang out.
Let's start with a friendship? I don't even know how to go about forming one.
Perhaps someone can shed some light on this?

Trapped

天
比想象中陷得更快更深

Emailed问他课业上的问题
结果他在前天傍晚回我
我回信道谢说
"Bla Bla Bla.. Definitely vote for you if there's a Best Tutor Award :P"
他昨天8.30am点回复我说
"No problem! Bla bla bla"
然后9am就是我们的tutorial啦
他问我们的第一题是“What is internal control?"
5秒没有人回答
他笑着看着我走近我身边
叫我回答
呵呵一字不漏的模范答案
那笑容真的要让我融化了

可惜后来有两题我自动请缨却答错了
Sigh突然为自己的英文表达水准感到挫败
在他面前我已经紧张到难以呼吸了
还怎样在脑海process正确的答案叻

Tutorial完毕后听到他跟其中一个学生说他今天除了教课就是consultation
不过他的consultation一直没有人去
听到这里你懂我要做什么了吧哈哈

我随便找了一题简短的题目
就这样出席了我在uni 3年以来第一次的consultation
去到那里时没看到他
只看到另一个tutor
她帮我从office叫他出来
看到他时我的心跳加速⏩
我show给他看我的notes
（相信他一定被我的用功吓到了）
基于我赶着上lecture
加上超紧张因为整个consultation room里就只有我们两个
我并非坐在椅子上
而是跪在椅子上LOL
他跟我讲话时我根本不敢看着他
眼神一直徘徊在窗外

Problem solved then ciao
我根本就shy到不懂可以讲什么了

我知道我们不可能
可是怎么办呢
我已经越陷越深了
唯一能让你记住我的方法就是考取H1
让你以我为荣
然后呢？
不知道了。

Kristian.

Just another fantasy love.

I'm starting to find the line between admiration and obsession blurry.

Oh Rachel, can't you just keep your love affairs to yourself?

Eh eh eh I just need a channel to share my feelings as you know it's always tough to convey how you really feel to someone else.

So, who again?

I admire my Auditing Tutor LOL.

I remember when we first met, I was fascinated by how charming he looks. He is turning 24 years old and is a mix of Chinese and probably Spanish. (Yes, I stalked him.)  Having said that, it isn't his appearance that makes me swoon, instead I am attracted by how confident he is on explaining stuffs and how talented he is. Despite being only 2 years elder than me, he has plenty of professional working experience and is currently the senior tutor of 3 Accounting subjects in my uni. WOW.

I believe the best way to attract his attention is concentrate in his tutorial and impress him through answering the questions he raised in class. I had never worked so hard in an Accounting subject before but it is totally worth it, especially when I achieved a score of 38 out of 40 in my mid-semester test which the average score is 29. 

And my heart skipped a beat when he praised me for paying attention on what he said in the class therefore being able to come up with the answer. Such moment is gold.

So admiration or obsession?

WHO CARES? They are miles between us, citizenship, language, culture, circle etc.

Taking this way too far anyway - we are not even friend yet.

What I've been up to.

It has been a long while since the last post.
也不是因为特别忙而将这个blog遗忘了
纯粹是没有在过去4个月内喜欢任何人
所以没有东西写
*How on earth我这么肤浅*

近来过着充实又健康的生活
Weekdays早上5.30am起床
6am到公园跑步
9am-6pm在Jalan Ampang的Citibank做internship
很满意自己可以maintain work-life balance :)

身材也终于瘦回到之前在韩国那时候的自己
你不知道过去3个月在我知道自己体重突然飙升5公斤后
我的日子是过得多么压力多么凄惨的
Anyway现在比之前好多了

至于感情
不否认有个人挑起了我心里的涟漪
他是我在Sydney Build Trip认识的一个比我小一岁的男生
出生于Melbourne but origin是Vietnam
他很体贴
他会自动帮我reverse parking好让我驾车时比较容易出
他主动将DSLR套在我的颈上
他的Build Trip相册里70%是我的照片
我曾经跟他提过我很喜欢我们大学的一件Varsity jacket (其实是我姐姐很喜欢)
这件Varsity jacket是exclusively available for students who volunteer at official events
要成为volunteer必须经过interview
他说他有2件-1件给他自己，另一件给了他的cousin
我说下次有多的应该给我啊
没想到他还真的是在前天去New architecture building做volunteer
就只为了换那一件jacket给我
更让我吃惊的是他说他病了整个星期
却依然拖着疲惫的身子去做volunteer
我很感动
但是理智告诉我绝不能将感动冲昏头脑
他有太多不适合我的地方
巨蟹座的他并不适合善变好玩的双子座
他曾经show给我看他做的长达13 pages的summer-break plan
这还包括他对未来的规划
我的人太即兴
跟这样well-organized的他在一起会有很大压力
而且我曾经跟他玩牌
了解他是有多好胜
再加上他来自overprotective的家庭
种种因素都在劝戒着我千万不要一时心软跟他在一起
不然到最后只会苦了自己

Never settle for someone who isn't the best for me.